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What are You Kidding Me for July 28, 2015


Out of New Jersey … Dumb & Dumber

Octavio got pulled over by coppers for a couple of reasons. One he darted cross three lanes and traffic and two…in the process he literally ran an officer off the road! Now with all that being said let's forget he is also a convicted felon…and let's forget about the fact that he had a gun in his car, because that isn't even the stupidest part!

Because when the cop walked up to his car, they also noticed that Octavio's hands were shaking . . . and his nose and mouth were covered in COCAINE. But when he asked him about it, Octavio claimed it wasn't drugs . . . it was because he'd just eaten a powdered DONUT. Not surprisingly, the cop didn't buy it!

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Locations : New Jersey




 

Crown of Clowns for July 28, 2015


Officers pulled over Ray Woods over the weekend and noticed that he had quite the bulge in his pants. So they asked him to step out of the car to see if he was packing heat. Ray Woods was not packing heat…..but he was blessed. Blessed with a massive amount of heroin and cocaine.

Get this, he had 26 bags of heroin and 41 bags of cocaine in his crotch. Actually…it wasn't just in his crotch he had the bags tied around his...well…testees. There you go, all in all…he had almost 70 bags of drugs…just in his pants.

My Points:
  1. Ray --- A guy with the last name Wood…getting caught because he has a bulge in his pants is just precious. So Mr. Wood thank you for making this easy.
  2. Ray --- Have you heard of something called a backpack, or maybe the old school brief case? Tying off 70 bags of the hooch to your pooch was not needed. Speaking of which…
  3. Ray --- Most people are concerned about your obvious drug problem…me…I'm worried that you can tie at least 41 bags around…around your twig and berries. So first see a lawyer and THEN rush to a doctor!
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People : Ray WoodsWood




 

What are You Kidding Me for July 27, 2015



Out of Florida … Stashed

Jayson Curtiss got pulled over back in April and the cops found a bag with about a pound of a leafy green substance in his SUV.

He told them, quote, "I'm a licensed dealer of that."
When they didn't buy that, he said, quote, "It's for aromatherapy."
When they didn't buy THAT, he said, quote, "It's my yard clippings."

So they said, "Which is it…your are licensed dealer, it's aromatherapy, or yard clipping?" He then literally said, "I'm going to go with yard clippings."

So they took it to a lab for testing, and it turns out it was a synthetic marijuana called "spice," which has been illegal in Florida for over two years. So Jayson was arrested and hit with a bunch of felony narcotics charges.
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Topics : Business_Finance
Locations : Florida
People : Jayson CurtissSo Jayson




 

Crown of Clowns for July 27, 2015


Today's Crown of Clowns goes to a South Carolina woman by the name of Helen Williams. Helen was arrested forstabbing her husband. She stabbed him not with a knife, but…ready for it…Helen stabbed him with a squirrel.

Oh sure, it was a ceramic squirrel, but it was still a squirrel. Seriously, Helen hit him over the head with the squirrel, it broke, and then she stabbed him in the shoulder and chest. He is doing okay, but the reason she stabbed him with the squirrel is because he went to the store and returned without…without her Natural Light!

My Points:
  1. Helen, I get it, when you have a craving for the always refreshing Natty Light…nothing else will do, but is it worth going to jail for?
  2. Helen, you do get creative points…I've heard of stabbing with a knife and even a samurai sword? You are truly nuttier than squirrel poop!
  3. Lastly, I would like to recommend Coors Light…now being served in cans, glass bottles, and the all new aluminum bottles, and for a limited time you can get an 18 pack for only $15! Did I mention they're a sponsor of the show?
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Locations : South Carolina
People : Helen Williams




 

Snapchat Q&A featuring YOU

I'm SO late to the Snapchat party but I'm here! I asked you all to snap me some questions and here are your answers. WATCH to see what these guys said that got this reaction, who my favorite co-worker is, and MORE.



I'll do another one of these Q&A's soon!
Make sure to add me on Snapchat.



Follow Ellen Tailor on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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Topics : Human InterestTechnology_Internet
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People : Ellen Tailor




 

What are You Kidding Me for July 24, 2015

Out of Florida … Getting Ahead

Ladies and gentlemen, here…here is why you should focus on getting fat and not fit when on vacations. A man who we know was in his 60s was working out in a hotel gym in Fort Lauderdale on Wednesday morning . . . he was getting pumped up for his day on "Geritol Beach." And while he was on the chess press…well…he fell off. Yep, he just tipped over on one of the machines. He fell over & somehow got his HEAD stuck.

It took several minutes, but someone finally walked into the gym to find our poor dude just lying there on the floor with his head stuck in the fitness machine. The fire department had to come & use torches and saws to get him out. But thankfully our pumped up senior citizen is going to be just fine…the only thing damaged was his ego.

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The Crown of Clowns for July 24, 2015


We don't have a name so let's call him…Smokey. And Smokey is our crown of clown today…and here is why:
Smokey was riding his mountain bike in the Boise foothills and nature called…he had to go to the bathroom, but of course there were no toilets. So he stopped his bicycle and dropped his pants, dropped a deuce, and then…then he wanted to be environmentally sensitive so he lit the toilet paper on fire and…well…he also lit up 73 acres! Yes, he burned down 73 acres. Smokey turned himself in and told authorities that he accidently caught the forest on fire while lighting the toilet paper.

My Points:
  1. Smokey, I honestly feel sorry for you, because…well..your heart was in the right place, but your ass was not. It's happened to the best of us, but we didn't burn down half the state of Idaho.
  2. Smokey, honesty is always…always…the best policy, UNLESS you just committed a major crime. At that point you need to listen to the words of my father Green Beret Bob who says, "Deny-Deny-Deny."
  3. Lastly, Listen to my words, because I've always said…Dance like no one is watching, and poop like no one is in the stall next to you. So God bless you.
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Topics : Human Interest
Locations : Idaho
People : Green Beret Bob




 

Crown of Clowns for July 23, 2015


Today's Crown of Clowns goes to Todd Fassler of San Diego. Todd was walking on a trail when he looked down and saw a rattlesnake. So believe it or not, he picked it up to get a selfie for Facebook! And I know this is shocking, but that was not…not a good idea. The rattlesnake bit him, and the injuries to his arm were severe. So severe that he was quickly on death's door. He is alive thanks to several anti-venom shots. In the end…his medical costs were $153,000!

My Points:
  1. Todd, note to self, when a snake has A RATTLE…IT'S A RATTLE-SNAKE!!!
  2. Toddie, read the Bible, who always played the snake? Could IT BE SAAAATAN?
  3. Speaking of the good book, if you had gone to Bowie Baptist with me as a kid…you would have learned how to handle snakes. As Rev. Oddie always said, LET THE GOOD LORD LEAD…OR YOU WILL BLEED!
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Locations : San Diego
People : Bowie BaptistTodd Fassler




 
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