EP04 - I Didn't Want To Lose Myself

Monday, March 20th

00:23:57

I still wanted to be me. I didn't want to be a ghost or a shell of myself. Would medication change who I am? Was I ready to know the real me? Why I hesistated, what I wished I would have known then and how I shared my story to those around me.

Transcription

A podcast that took me for Edwards is star is now on to episode Fuller and see who felt they he's a much for tuning into medicated my name is Ellen Taylor. And a majority of the questions and having getting ever since I launched a podcast was. What about the medication itself. What I start it was I scared about how do I tell people about it do I regret taking it do I regret not taking it sooner so. This is the time we're gonna cover. Look. Of back to in case you missed how this cold medication thing started here's a spark on its version if you want to detailed version and go in recent episode one. I was diagnosed at PM ED which I think is a crappy (%expletive) and I don't even know I'll buy you still believe that PM DD that's saying. It's extreme form of PMS even though I've been diagnosed with that. But because of that I was told to take some prozac. I and again the full story is an episode one and because of this PM DD and a prozac. Once I started taking the prozac I started to realize that wow I'm really how many just purse and and as much as I don't believe him PM DD or I'm not sure about it I am thankful to have had that because that was the gateway to figuring out my anxiety. And and IA is sort of taken medication after. I had found out that I was going and I was in the home owner for the first time someone had accepted my bid into the house. And I was feeling very overwhelmed I don't do well with change I don't know most people who deal. Deal well with change don't think they deal I start I finally ten milligrams. And it's not like ads Alex yeah your head hurts he takes him Tylenol. Half an hour your head feels better and hopefully your ideals better Excedrin and a painkillers that kind of thing I'd be pro for whatever you name it. Prozac doesn't work like that it takes time for it to build up in your system and for its a kinda like. Quiet then no way is right so before I even started taking I thought. I do I even want to take risks because. What's it gonna due to meet. Personally but more importantly professionally Chile. My job is to be an open book my job is to be a character I'm a radio personality and need to have the highs and lows and I remember talking to a friend a really dear friend of mine who is also in his business and what long before. No option of me taking medication came up. I remember him having a discussion with me about how a lot of people and our business are on antidepressants that kind of an awful lot of people in radio or on anti depressants. Armistice that we have big mouth and tell everyone has opposed to like other careers. And you know again our job is to live our life out loud so I don't know produced talking about Amare but I remember him saying you know don't don't get any type of medication because. A way each Angelica ghost of yourself. You notice a difference and people who do take medication and Alistair fight that. Who wants to be a ghost of themselves not me I'd rather take that extreme highs and extreme lows. Instead of just being a shell walking around so that worried me. Another thing that review as. Would people be right you know think about. Ex boyfriends or for a enemies or Ingrid co workers that might say you're crazy or she's knots. I think about that I was taking medication. Because those couldn't go crazy. What I need proving them right Anatoly would be I don't know I could handle act. Because than I have to admit to myself that something was off and that's the ego in me that I didn't want to admit that I needed help. And I thought I win the you don't need to tell everyone that you're on medication your Medicaid aid. And really hard for me because again that's my job. Whether it's on the air or on FaceBook snapped chat whatever social media. You're getting you're getting Allan Taylor all the time it was hard for me to keep that secret to myself but I had to play that close to my chest and a clear and very close might just because. This is my life and I had to figure out what was going on before I could share eyesore I had a I had to learn my story before I could share my story and I felt guilty not telling everyone knew that was going through this. But I realized that I needed to keep it to myself and I had hoped that a time would come bracket talk about it and it's and it's here and and thank god. But I'm glad at that time that I did make the decision not to talk about it. To the public to the world because I needed to sort it out in my head so. I started taking ten milligrams of prozac the lowest dosage you can take. When I had found out that I was going to be a homeowner right change and commitment harder scary things for any one. And then it's amplified if you've got the anxiety right so. Does the difference right away I did not. I eight feet eight I had some with placebo effects like yeah I think it's working but. In terms like physical. Stuff I noticed that my stomach hurt just a little bit. Every time I would increase the dosage my stomach would her for like a day or two. I was able to curb that by taking the medicine that night so I try and take my medication every night around 8 o'clock. I'm I'm not always at 8 o'clock but I ticket at night so that way I do you have like some mild cramping or something I'm sleeping in. I think like Iraq and super extra so I don't golf I still have that problem anymore I tell you exactly way. No I know the first time I notice that there was something different I started taking medication and I wanna say the last week of march in 2016. By the time I had gone through the inspection and stuff like that I closed in my house and I had moved in in my house it was around sink and a mile selecting five or six weeks later. And I was feeling overwhelmed I had my boyfriend the time my best friend my sister her boyfriend and movers. Bringing my life from one place to another and now holy crap this was my house there was axes all over the place. I am a perfectionist and I didn't like seeing the people closest to meet. In my new home without it being perfect. And you are literally moving in that day like it's not going to be perfect and I took a step economic my friends are here to help me. I need to let them help me. I did. My friend Deanna took over the kitchen DN and we heard an episode three. I emerging over the kitchen and she's at 41 this where you want that and I said Deanna just put it wherever you want. Because if I had to start to make decisions I was gonna feel overwhelmed it was better for me he's kind of let her take the lead on. It was crazy because I felt OK giving away that control. Both full or I would have freaked out I would have told them to go away be completely honest to deal. And then not only would I have not actually put my kitchen a wake I would procrastinate on that and then I would have felt bad for not doing it and in hindsight I am just so happy that I was able to relinquish that control the DN I just say. Kitchen together and do every one and I figured if I like where the silverware are. No I can move the silverware to someplace else like it's fine it doesn't need to be all or nothing during his moving process. My boyfriend at the time on that not to get an album my boyfriend at the time. He started kind of like nailing some stuff up on the wallet the de corps and he's like a deal like this here do you like that they and I said to him Zain thank you just put it up. I like it there sure. Do you want it horizontally or vertically I don't know does make a decision. And it felt good to. Give that power to someone else because again these were life or death situations by any means it was my house. But I know me as I wouldn't have given them the power to make those decisions I wouldn't have made the decision. And all so but it just to get a dot so. I realize that during that time. I there was a change that was kind of going on in my mind and I stopped at one point and said. Hey guys I just need five minutes and I went into my room just to kind of regroup I was overwhelmed. It took some time no one did anything to me there like a pickle you don't deal. And I think I zoned out probably on tapped out or something and came back and I was guide. The first time that I was aware of how anxious I was also really proud of myself because I was learning how to just let Dell. So a little by little. I noticed that these changes were happening now and did and recognize all of the changes absolutely not but comparing Miley for now to what it was a year ago that's where I see. The big difference. Slowly but surely I don't know if this is like a steady banal or what. But might increase it herb my docent started to increase little by little and what age. I eight took the medication are thought I had taken the medication and I wasn't sure. Before I went to bat like I had done my nightly routine out of order. So that on to take my medication did I not so I took it again and come to find out I had taken a double dosage of it. And I noticed such a big difference. And cut me and maybe I do need updating and so I did up and I found what I think right now is like my great dosage. Of prozac that works. For me. So why wait so long to take this you don't know what you don't know. I had no idea that my life could be better. Is like 100% absolutely not. No way. That a ten out of some of anxiety panic attack out freak out unnecessarily. Now lobbying Medicaid I'm freaking out maybe three or four times out of ten it's like I'm not freaking out at all it's not like I'm going back to my old habits among because I haven't. I'm just not doing as frequently and when I do get going down that path of anxiety and panic and overwhelming feelings. I'm able to rein myself in it more than I was before. Is that all return no. I think that's also good because that shows me that I'm not in on that not a ghost of myself but I'm not just a shell and still do have feelings. I just told me something are one of the biggest things that my therapist told me that really stuck out was. You are successful despite your perfectionism. Not because of it. And I thought I was good at life. Because. I was perfect and it. And that was a lot of pressure on myself. And if I couldn't be perfect right then the anxiety would take over and we discussed as an a couple of episodes earlier in this. And now how I can do more dirt with less effort. Before. I don't wanna say noises could I wasn't hearing voices in my head by any means. But there was just a lot of mill always in my head. When I was focusing so hard on being perfect or accomplishing a task I wanted it to be perfect and there's just so much noise in my head that. Pressured me to do this 100%. Do it right all the way artist doing it at all and that noise has quieted down. It's not go on. But it's quieted down to the point where now I used to noise as motivation in and it's a motivation as opposed to a hindrance than lord hindrance hinder anyway. It doesn't hinder me. It motivates me. I don't procrastinate Stell. You I don't I am I don't falls. I decide to splurge and buy myself a custom or walk in closet this big deal to me because I normally don't splurge on things for myself but I thought. This was my first home. And I was really dead set on getting two bedrooms and I was only able to get wind. Because the market in Seattle it's crazies to the very least I could do was. Get. Walking closet I wanna make of closet of my dreams right. Still not taken up yes it could but maybe the next and I told myself that what all the shells and then they all custom built it's been an organized because we have a space for everything. It's been almost a year and I still haven't organizing idea closet. It's so overwhelming. I have spent more time per crashed leaning on that cause it. Thinking about how I should do that cause it telling myself get up and organize that cousin then it would have taken meets actually freaking deal. I could have redone that cause it 35 times by now. But Fuller I would've felt guilty I would've felt embarrassed I don't even told anyone in a closet was diplomats now I'm able to tell people. Yeah this is my problem I wanna see that the pro that kind of humbled me a little bit too because I know one not perfect and I know it's okay for me to not be perfect. But for Indiana asking the other day he spent all of this money on a closet why she's been element in the public mourning and an organizing while that wasn't the intention. The intention was that wasn't going to be organized to just magically didn't happen because apparently I actually have to use complaint epithet. I'm trying to look at it from an outsiders perspective is sound like I'm rambling but in my mind it makes cents. And that's what I let myself go that's when the new ways comes and does that make sense like that's. They know ways it's coming in that hinders me that takes over and the biggest thing that I wanna get across is again. So not like a cure all it does it's not a magic pill he doesn't. Takes everything. But it helps it's something that I feel like I needed to vital tool to my success in just life and that's my that's my opinion. Book when I started taking the medication. It may be a week or two later is when I started dating. My boyfriend at the time. And this is the first time that I was going into a relationship both stuff let me just say this is the first relationship that I had had in years because. I felt like I could handle it. How really tell this guy that I am dating now I am on medication because. Only when your emissary named and you start dating someone they start to come over and then a big scene taking a pill every night. They ask what did kids. Maybe never would've asked but in my mind I'm sure he knew what I was doing and I felt like I needed to tell himself. I was really embarrassed. And I went to the whole story and I told them everything and he was like. The deal. Ever talked about it again. Wednesday that he was like are receptive to nobody Dudley was negative towards and I just think he was. At the milieu a problem like. Oh telling your hair's brown okay well you Medicaid at pocono the deal was one of those things for me it was a bigger deal. The hardest part for me like if that was a hard enough was like telling my parents my dad I struggle with very similar things. We have our own hasn't how we deal with them is very different however when I confided in hand eight. Or was good because I felt like he understood or he empathize with me. And it reminded me of a time when I was in college. And I was going to that there is for a short time and they told me that they might need to go on an anti depressant and I told my dad and I said dad they wanted to go on an anti depressant I'm not sure about this and he yelled at me I remember him getting so pissed and he yelled and said you have nothing to be depressed about you have no idea what depression is you don't need medication and and looking back to where she was in his life that that turned. I can understand. And now fast forward ten years I'm telling him that I'm going on medication and he was so accepting on it. I remind him of that story and he he'd remember. You remember a reacting that way. And the first thing he sent me was honey I'm sorry if he told me I did I believe that I did get I'm so sorry because I don't think that anymore. And that's a really good to know that my dad lives. Understanding and accepting of the fact I had chosen to take medication and China to take into all of my mental health whichever way I soft fan and he trusted me to make. Those best decisions form me. My money in hand I went this is negative towards that we just don't talk about it. And that's sunup to my mom by any means I know my mom loves means she cares about each month seem to be happy. And I would say that our relationship has gotten stronger since I have been on medication and thumb but I don't think she understands I don't think she can empathize. Maybe it's because she doesn't struggle with the same things I do or that my dad does and my do my parents are divorced Arnold they talk but I doubt they talk about. Mean my medication I don't they talk period could maybe I'm doesn't struggle with the same things ideals or maybe she does but doesn't realize that well but. The conversation hasn't always been oh I know if I would open adored her and say mom doesn't listen this is going on she would listen I just. Can't expect a type of response from her I can expect a response from anyone. Is that there responsibility. How they respond to my information is their responsibility it is arm and I wanna be mad at my mom for not understanding that the same time I'm grateful that my mom doesn't understand because that means as she doesn't like the same demons than ideal. And I wouldn't wish this on anybody else now my friend every resident in have to tell all of my friends I was going nine. What mainly happened was when friends would notice a difference in the it would comment on something that's what I thought like I open up that conversation and I didn't voluntarily say hey guys just a nine month not medicated. Please certain losing weight right. Wanna tell everyone you're starting a diet because that's a lot of pressure right people wanna see whether you're gonna mess up or not. If your hang you know one random day different collections as why are you some way you like why yes I mean he might tell them what diet you're doing I. Sure it's a thinking with this medication does prozac thing for me tell everyone I'm actually select you what was going on tell everyone. An eight on the air for the first time so organically I was talking to my therapist. At one point and I said I don't know how to tell people that I Medicaid and she you don't have to deal you have to deal. And we were talking on the air couple weeks later. Abouts are you happy like it's so percent of Americans aren't happy and fits looked at me and said Alan are you had an yeah I'm happy now. And he said why is that an idol could get it and look how how funny joke and then email the bit ended the song played and at that moment it was such a big deal for me I had I had revealed my deepest secret in a way that was perfect for me. I was able to kind of put it out they're very light heartedly and I didn't make anyone else feel uncomfortable by saying yeah I'm dedicated to a trip. And more than anything at that point. I was comfortable with my truth I was comfortable with knowing. That I was medicated and I could start sharing that story. Ellison if you do decide to go on medication or maybe you are on medication. Can tell you know what you have to tell anyone anything. My regret is. That I wish that I would've started sooner. I wonder how much more kind of gotten done with my life leading up to this point. Had I not had. All of this in this I eighty clouding me 'cause haven't had a conversation with a friend and who's very anti medication and feels like maybe they should be a medication. But really doesn't want to because they're scared that. The things that make them creative will be gone. And that's scary because you feel like you're kind of maybe you're delude yourself. Why does shape this person and say no trust me it's so much better at like it's much better. This person can't take my word for you can't take my award for you have to make that choice yourself and whether or not you wanna go down that route because. I'd say yes it's a game changer yes it was a life changer for me he had. It doesn't mean that it will work for you because everyone is different also if you don't believe in the process it ain't gonna war. If you do the processor it's not work great like nothing is guaranteed in life and I understand why that is scary. If you have any type of chest. Inclinations. Are teaming feeling. Something's wrong but like could be better. Talk to someone. Figure it out explore that read a book about those kinds of things that figure out what might. The solution for or just start finding some answer as you might not find beat cancer. Therapy might not be beat cancer medication might have beaten beat cancer but. Start your path start your journey. To about a like that sounded so cheesy I'm trying really hard not to make this podcast holly cheesy and motivating but. I wish I would have something like this when I was starting my my journey. When necessary listen to that candidate to people of my dad did to meet. When I told him about first getting a medication when I was in college I it will. Now they realize they do have anxiety I remember watching these girls on YouTube and content girls 'cause there are teenagers maybe early twenties. And they're close out the post these videos about my anxiety story. Would watch them and I would think to myself what these girls have to be anxious about. They literally go to school there having the best Sutherland because apparently not paying rent 'cause he's still having a mom and dad's house and that's awesome. And it got to pay for anything disposable income they go to school when they come home and do you make of tutorials. And they have anxiety link while. Girls you are not gonna make in life but I did exactly to them on my dad did to me and I have anxiety I just didn't realize that. What I am envious about though with bad is that. They were smarter than me you know maybe smarter they're more into themselves. And I was it's Gonzales 31 to figure out. That I could've been living a better life whereas these women. It took them a notice now calling them when the rape because they feel they they are more into the themselves but it it's of these ladies. It's only eighteen into the early twenties. To have this great realization. They didn't waste the time I did figuring this problem now. My dad figured out his demons. In his sixties and seventies. Light is not over until it's so far so if you feel like. It's too late tonight. Are you gonna regret not doing sooner why no ideal. But I can't go back to do anything about it I just looking at this and thankful that affiliated now my thirties as a post you my sixties and some music my gallon. Or whoever else that might be that maybe figured out later in life. I am able to have these years now with that. Sound mind. Which isn't even always sounded like I said. I'm so freaking out I still. And humid it's not like this is a magic. Gil by any means I hope that this kind of helps give you a little bit of perspective on it may be what it's like for other people to. Goat out yesterday me you're not the one that feels like PG Medicaid maybe your listening to this because he knows someone who might be or who should be or. Maybe it's a spouse or a teenager or someone else it's coming she's saying I live like a little bit better what do I do. Hope this kind of opens up your eyes and shows you a bit little peek into what it might be like and if you are like I mean you kind of have these teens thoughts. You're not only. We are in this together. And it's. I think talking about is the best thing is the best way to go about it so continues some of the messages I am. I'm freaking out a lot less about the messages of feel free to not hit me with them again I can handle it now if it is getting overwhelmed by the messages that they are all positive but it was just. It's scary being vulnerable but I think I can handle and again Alfie not any questions or ideas for future episodes or whenever. Things that you want me disgust that I haven't discussed yet or whatever just last week. Alan Taylor on FaceBook Twitter instead Graham snap jab but she's Phil Taylor Wright it's Alan TA IL. LR. And this episode of dedicated his dad.