"Monday Night Football" . . . 8:30 to 11:30 P.M. Eastern on ESPN. The Seattle Seahawks host the Green Bay Packers at CenturyLink Field in Seattle.
"Dancing with the Stars: All Stars" [15th Season Premiere] . . . 8:00 to 10:00 P.M. on ABC. The returning celebrities for the all-star season are: Bristol Palin, Kelly Monaco, Kirstie Alley, "The Bachelor's"Melissa Rycroft, Pam Anderson, Cheetah Girls minx Sabrina Bryan, and Shawn Johnson . . .
. . . Olympic speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno, NFL running back Emmitt Smith, Drew Lachey, Gilles Marini, Indy 500 racer Helio Castroneves, and former 'N Sync chubby Joey Fatone.
"How I Met Your Mother" [8th Season Premiere] . . . 8:00 to 8:30 P.M. on CBS.
"Partners" [Series Premiere] . . . 8:30 to 9:00 P.M. on CBS. Michael Urie and David Krumholtz star as childhood friends, one gay and the other straight, who work together in an architecture firm while dealing with their significant others.
"The Voice" [Blind Auditions] . . . 8:00 to 10:00 P.M. on NBC.
"2 Broke Girls" [2nd Season Premiere] . . . 9:00 to 9:30 P.M. on CBS.
"Mike & Molly" [3rd Season Premiere] . . . 9:30 to 10:00 P.M. on CBS.
"The L.A. Complex" [2nd Season Finale] . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on the CW.
"No Doubt" [Special Presentation] . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on E! The members of No Doubt are interviewed.
"Border Wars" [4th Season Finale] . . . 9:00 to 10:00 P.M. on the National Geographic Channel.
"Chrissy & Mr. Jones" [Series Premiere] . . . 9:30 to 10:00 P.M. on VH1. This eight episode series is about rapper Jim Jones and his woman Chrissy Lampkin.
"Hawaii Five-0" [3rd Season Premiere] . . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on CBS.
"Castle" [5th Season Premiere] . . . 10:00 to 11:00 P.M. on ABC.
"Ridiculousness" . . . 10:00 to 10:30 P.M. on MTV. Professional skater Chris Cole guests.
"Watch What Happens: Live" . . . 11:00 to 11:30 P.M. on Bravo. Catherine Ommanney from "The Real Housewives of D.C.", and producer Sonja Morgan ("The Real Housewives of New York City") are your guests.
THIS IS NOT MY OPINION, BUT COMES FROM CRACKED...WHAT DO YOU THINK?
If you think success is all about effort, we've got a list that might change your mind. Here are three random things that can determine how successful you are in your career.
#1.) Your Face . . . But Not Just How Good Looking You Are. A study at Duke found that a mature-looking face makes you look more competent, which makes you more likely to get a job.
#2.) Your Name. Research has shown you're less likely to be hired or promoted if your name is hard to pronounce.
#3.) How Popular You Were in High School. In one study, researchers had kids list the top three most-popular kids in their class. Then 35 years later, researchers checked back in with everyone. The top 15% in popularity were making an average of 10% more than everyone else . . . regardless of what their grades were.
Molly Schuyler of Bellevue, Nebraska weighs 115 pounds. She has two kids. And she may've just found her calling as a PROFESSIONAL EATER. A few weeks ago, Molly took on an eating challenge at a local restaurant called Stella's Bar and Grill. They challenge anyone who has the stomach to try to eat a creation called The Stellanator.
It's made up of six hamburger patties, six eggs, six pieces of cheese, six pieces of bacon, mayo, fried onions, jalapenos, two buns . . . and, to top it off, a FULL JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER. And Molly took it down with NO PROBLEM. She ate the entire thing in 15 minutes, which is the second-fastest time ever. She's only the ninth person ever to finish it out of more than 200 tries, and she's the first successful woman. Then, when she was done, she finished off her kids' leftovers. Molly says she's always had a surprisingly large stomach capacity, especially for someone her weight. Quote, "I used to drink a two-liter bottle of soda in 17 seconds."
I love football, but I have to admit that my partner in Fitz World (Ellen) knows more about sports than I do. I was actually amazed at her knowledge UNTIL I realize why she loves sports. It isn't for the love of the game or it isn't for the roar of the crowd...it is all about "how hot the guys are in sports". And that is a direct quote. She goes to games because she loves looking at hot guys. So for that special man in her future I would says, you better get a buns of steal video and get to work because the standard is high!
The Democratic National Convention is coming under fire for a backdrop that was used during some of the speeches. The backdrop during a couple of the patriotic speeches was a huge picture of warships and then another was an enormous picture of F-5 fighter jets flying in formation. Only one problem…well two problems with these backdrops that they said were used to honor our military veterans. One, the pic they used for the warships were of Soviet-era Russian warships. In other words…it was a pic of our enemy of the cold war and then…then for pic number 2. Well that wasn’t our boys flying those F-5s…no that was the Turkish Air Force.
Out of Nevada … Dead Wrong
Walter Smaszko lived what appeared to be a fairly miserable life. He was sure the government was out to kill him and everyone else. He sat and read conspiracy books for hours and wouldn’t even go to the doctor because he was sure they would purposefully kill him. To say he was slightly paranoid would have been an understatement. And so when they found the elderly man dead in his home it wasn’t a complete surprise, and when they discovered that he only had about $200 in his checking account that wasn’t much of a surprise either. BUT when they opened up several, and I do mean several boxes FILLED with bars of gold…that was a surprise. Poor Walt wasn’t poor at all…those bars were worth about 7 Million Dollars. The sad thing was…that while Walt was alive he never really lived.
Out of Florida … Burn Baby Burn
We know two things about Byron Harvey…one is that his girlfriend must be a very large woman and two, he will go down in history as one of the worst shoplifters of all times. And here is how we know he is not a good thief…he was taking clothes and shoes into a dressing room and then he would take lighter and melt and burn the security tag off of them. Which as you can imagine sent off quite a smell to dept. store workers. And of course they called the law. When cops arrived they did indeed smell Bryon in the dressing room putting a torch to the security devices. So when he came out they busted him, and while Byron is not very smooth the dude was able to stuff some serious stuff into his trousers. Once cops busted him and frisked him they found $450 worth of shoes, clothes, and other items ALL stuffed in his pants. Oh and there were a half dozen pills in his pockets, but he blamed that on his ”woman”…he said his girlfriend had been wearing his pants earlier in the day and must of left the drugs in there.
Mark Wach will now be inducted into the redneck hall of fame for the events of his weekend. It started with Marko getting upset with his lawn mower and…and his 1986 Camaro. Apparently the mower wouldn’t start because it was out of gas and then the Camaro wouldn’t start because…well it was built in 1986. So to fix the problem he then pulled out his shotgun and shot them both up. This trigger Trigger…no trigger isn’t his dog…Trigger is his 15 year-old son who came out to stop his redneck daddy. And so then daddy got him in a headlock and they wrestled until cops arrived.
Out of North Carolina … Direct Hit
Around 3 a.m. the boys in blue had a DUI checkpoint set up and here coming down the road was Dougie Southard in his 1989 red Chevy Camaro. And the cops knew he was drunk without even giving him the test, because all of their lights were flashing…all of their cars and lights were blazing and well…Dougie didn’t bother to stop. He crashed right into the DUI checkpoint. He was taken to the hospital with minor injuries and ended charged with driving with a revoked license, careless and reckless driving, failure to reduce speed to avoid and accident, and for the grand finale…a DUI.
Out of Michigan … Dead Wrong
A woman named Margarita Salais bought a used 2006 Ford Explorer from a car dealership called Suburban Ford and not long after getting it she began to smell something funny. Well actually it wasn’t funny because it smelled like death. She literally said, “It smelled like someone died in it.” And there was a reason for that…because it turned out that someone had died in it! She literally hired a hazardous material team who investigated and discovered the car had been stolen 3 times and has been used to carry around a dead body. She will get about $25,000 for her trouble.
Out of Oregon … Feeling Squirly
And now a cautionary tale about what happens when you combine guns, booze, and squirrels with an idiot. The idiot here would be one Ethan Bennett who was at home when a squirrel ran up his left leg. It would be interesting to find out how the squirrel got into his home, but we don’t. We do know that Ethan came up with an amazing plan…a ingenious plan on how to get the squirrel off of his leg. He grabbed his 22 riffle that just happened to be right beside of him and tried to shoot the squirrel...the squirrel that was still on his pant leg! He missed! Now while the squirrel did quickly get off of his leg…he then had a bigger problem…a bullet IN his leg!
Out of Georgia … Where there is Smoke there is Fire Right?
The Atlanta Fire Department got a 9-1-1 call around 5 in the morning because there was a fire downtown! It was the extremely fancy Kamal 21 Strip Club…and a witness said that smoke was pouring out of the windows and from underneath the door. The Fire Dept rushed to the scene to find that the club was closed, but the smoke was indeed pouring out so they busted down the door. And they were shocked to find that there was no Def Leopard booming through the speakers, and they couldn't see a fire! There was no fire…however…one of the strippers had forgotten to turn off the fog machine.
Out of Kentucky … Chop Shop
Phillip Seaton of Waddy, KY was having some inflammation issues down…down there! If you know what I’m saying? So even though he is in his late 50s a doctor told him that he needed to be circumcised. And off he went to have it worked on. Phil was put to sleep and "Dr. Wang" went to work. And during the the surgery the doctor found what he thought was cancer and so he chose to remove it and…and in the process he removed Phil’s deal. It turned out to be cancer but Phil is suing saying he would have at least like to have had a second opinion on how to treat it!
Jon Pardi, comes to Bourbon Jack's! The show is Friday, September 21st at 8pm and admission is free, so get there early! Plus, listen to DeAnna Lee to win VIP Meet and Greet passes and party with Pardi, courtesy of Capitol Nashville! It's Jon Pardi in a special free Acoustic Doghouse! 21+ only and cover charge starts at 8:30pm.
Out of Missouri … Crash Landing
Rayna Garret was minding her own business and driving down the road when she noticed a man dancing…yes dancing in the middle of the road. So she slowed down and tried to go around him, but when she did…he jumped right onto the hood of her car, pulled out a gun and shouted drive or I will blow your head off. And so Rayna did that, she drove right to the police station. Well actually she drove right into the police station. Rayna crashed through the police stations garage and then laid on the horn. The car jacker was slightly injured but he will live.
.. Out of Rhode Island … Polly wants a blanken cracker!
Lynne Taylor lives in an apartment right next door to her ex-husband and his new girlfriend, and while that within itself is crazy…that isn’t the most interesting part of this story. The really wacky part of this story is the fact that Lynne is in court due to the fact that she has trained…trained her pet cockatoo to scream curse words at her ex and his new sweetie. And it has gotten so bad some neighbors moved out. And the fine for the vulgar feathery outburst is only like $15.00 so Lynne pay the fine with a grin…and then goes home to teach her bird new dirty words.
My good friend Matt Hoover, who was season two's winner of The Biggest Loser, asked me to buy the book by Joel Osteen called, Every Day A Friday. Now to be honest with you if anyone else had told me to buy the book then I wouldn't have done it, but Matt is a guy's guy! In other words, he is the dude you knew in college who crushed beer cans on his head, chewed on nails, and you just prayed you didn't piss him off. I don't want to speak for him, but I'm willing to guess that he would have never gone on a show to lose weight had their not been big time prize money. So when a guy like that says a book is helping to make a positive impact on his life then I want to read it!
The title comes from the fact that most people live for the weekend. They just do their best to get through Monday-Thursday, and then they change their attitude and level of happiness on Friday. I'm only a few pages into Every Day A Friday and I enjoy the simplicity of Osteen's writing, because he isn't trying to impress the reader with big words or even deep theological thoughts. He is simply bringing out one great point and that is the fact that we all need to start living in the moment. Matt and I have one thing in common and that is we are always looking to conquer the next big event in life. And while there is absolutely nothing wrong with setting big goals...we can't let that keep us from enjoying where we are today. Like many of you, Matt and I both have small children and great spouses, and yet there are way too many times we catch ourselves not focus on them. Why? Because we are distracted from the present by the what ifs of the future. In our minds we are already working on the next big thing, worrying about the next contract, dreaming of another promotion, or simply in another world.
Thought for The Day: Stop living for the weekend and look around you for the gifts and blessings of today.
I am a pastor, counselor, and a radio personality and over the last few years I have had to determine what that means about me. First, it obviously means that I have need for attention or I wouldn't always be putting myself on some form of a stage. It also means that I obviously think that I have something worth sharing with the world. Now, neither one of those things are necessarily bad attributes, but they must be monitored. My point being that the stages and conversations of life were meant to be shared with others and not monopolized. Yes I do have some important things to share, but so do others and there are times that I need to shut-up and give them the stage.
My point is that most radio personalities and yes even pastors have a tendency to be ego maniacs and have a touch of narcissism. And I was always able to see that in others, but I had to admit that I have to deal with those issues as well. Yes my blog reading friends I have realized that there is a chance that I don't know everything and that I am not always right. And the most difficult thing I have learned through this self-actualization is that maybe I don't belong on the stage.
You can read more of my blogs at www.GodBeerAndPeople.com
Last year The Daytona coppers raided the highly sophisticated BIGGINS GENTLEMEN CLUB…YES THEY BUST INTO THE BIGGINS GENTLEMEN CLUB and now they have been sued by the strippers. And get this…the strippers won big at BIGGINS…they will get close to $200,000 bucks. Why? Because they were offended…the strippers were offended that they were strip searched. And they were very offended when they realized that after paying their lawyer they barely got 5 grand.
The 38th annual Wisconsin State Cow Chip Throw is in jeopardy this year. And you know what cow chips are right? Yep!!! It is cow dukie…and because there has been a Midwest drought the brown eyed milk machines have not been eating well and when they don’t eat then they don’t….well you know. In other words, this years State Cow Chip throw has a massive cow poop shortage. And get this…the word has gotten out that the chips are not as big and heavy and the crowd is expected to be down. But here may be the real WHAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME part of this story…and that is the world record for throwing a cow chip that was set just last year. Some dude threw the cow poop discus 248 feet which is over 80 yards! The Hawks need to find that guy.