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Posts from September 2015

Crown of Clowns for September 30, 2015

An Argentine man we’ll call Jimmy got quite a shock recently after he bought a pair of female poodles.  He got the two big fuzzy white poodles and then took them to the vet for shots and an exam and that is when he got the bad news.  He hadn’t just bought two male poodles…he had bought two FEMALE ferrets on steroids.  No kidding, the vet informed him that his ferrets had probably been given steroids from birth to increase their size and then had some extra grooming to make them all fluffy!”  And apparently this recently also happened with a Chihuahua. 
1-Jimmy, it’s bad enough you thought the ferrets were poodles, but you thought  the shes were hes? Did you not notice they were missing something when they rolled over?
2-Jimmy, the first thing you need to do…like ASAP is go see an optometrist. I’m no Vet, but fairly sure Poodles don’t have beedy eyes and teeth like razors and they DON’T poop pellets.
3-Jimmy, let me end with my favorite ferret joke. What do you call a ferret with a carrot in each ear?  Anything you want… he can't hear you! 
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6 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Marrying or Moving In with Someone with Child

I am at that age where I meet a lot of people who are getting remarried.  And when you get remarried in your 30s or 40s there is a very good chance you will getting a package deal.  In other words, your new hubby or honey will have children.  As I’ve told you before I was very lucky in that Amy’s child was only 3 when we got married, which made it much easier than if she had been a teenager.  And she and I quickly bonded, I love her, and I consider her to be mine all mine!  However, I’m sorry to say that is very rare.  I have lost track of the number of people I have counseled or simply had conversations with that had very bad experiences with step-children.  And quite honestly after hearing many of their stories I felt sorry for them.  As we all know, kids can be cruel…especially to a step-parent.  But there are also some stories that I hear, and I want to say, “Your expectations for the children are way too high.”  And there have been times I have asked, “You really don’t like those kids do you?”  And they look at me like I’m a horrible person, because of course they love the children…their children for goodness sake!  They don’t want to admit they simply don’t like their new spouse’s children, because they believe it will make them look like a bad person.  

I’m going to say something that may upset you, and I want to be honest in saying I have no research to back it up.  This statement is based solely on my observations over the last 20 years of working with people, and while it sounds sexist and judgmental I assure you that’s not my intention.  Here it goes…I believe it’s much easier and likely for a man to accept another man’s child than for a woman to accept another woman’s child.  Yes, I’m bluntly saying I believe it is easier for a man to love and accept children from his new wife’s previous marriage, than it is for women to bond with, love, and accept hischildren from a previous marriage.  Now here is the good news for some of you.  This is almost a moot point if the children are grown and out of the home.  And when I say out…I mean out-out.  As in they ain’t moving back in, and they will rarely be dragging their ass through your front door!  However, if they are still in the home then “buyer beware!”

I’ve come up with a few questions that I believe people need to ask their selves before dating or marrying someone with children, and this is especially true for women.  And ladies I’m not being critical of you, and please understand your answers to the following questions don’t make you a bad person!  I hope you will share some of your thoughts in the comment section below, but here are some of my questions that I would like for you to ask yourself:

1)  Will you expect your spouse’s children to obey your rules?

  • You may say, “Well of course.”  And I would say, “I don’t blame you”, but guess what?  The rules they have at their other home may be very different from those that you have for them.  And they are kids who might very well do what they want to do.  So how will you handle that?  Will you explode, negotiate, or run for the hills?

2)  Will you expect your spouse’s children to follow your religious or moral code?

  • Do you attend church every week, and think they should as well?  How different is your ethical code from theirs?

3)  Will you expect your spouse to agree to the forms of disciple you believe are appropriate?

  • How do you think discipline can be handled, and what will you do if your spouse doesn’t discipline behavior you believe should be disciplined?

4)  Will you expect your spouse’s children to follow your rules of cleanliness and structure?

  • So are you one of those people who thinks everything has its place, and when you say dinner is at 6:00 you don’t mean 6:15?  When you find your stepchild’s room a mess, or their stinky shoes in the middle of your living room floor how will you handle it?

5)  Will you expect your spouse to defend you when there is a disagreement between you and one of his or her children?

  • When I do premarital counseling I usually say the following, “Remember, he (she) can talk bad about their momma, but you can’t.”  The same is true for your future spouse’s children.  They know their kids aren’t perfect, and there will be times they are ready to explode in anger, but they don’t want to hear you talk smack about their kids.  So if you want to avoid the “You never take my side” argument it will take you choosing your words and especially adjectives carefully.

6:  Would you trust your children to be home alone with your spouse’s children?

  • I don’t think I need to say much more about this question, but if your child will be home with his new step-brother or sister would you be concerned?

If you will notice, 5 out of the 6 questions have the word “expect” in them, and when it comes to marriage…lots of expectations can lead to lots of problems!  We can all have hopes, but expectation often times really mean “this is a must.”  Again, the answers to the above questions don’t mean you are a good or bad person.  They are simply intended for you to be honest with yourself and your significant other.

My wife Amy literally said to me, “If you would have had children when we met then I wouldn’t have gone out with you.”  She absolutely loves children, and is the best mother I could have ever asked to have for our children, but she knew she wouldn’t do well with weekend visits from another woman’s kids.  I would encourage you to take these questions to your future spouse, and go over them together.  And whatever you do…before you walk down the aisle spend a lot of time with the children in family type settings.  Play games together and go on trips together if you can afford to do so.  Get way past the honeymoon phase of a relationship before you say those two very powerful words “I do.”  Because you aren’t just saying “I do marry you.”  You are also saying, “I marry you and them.”  And just a side note…when I officiate a wedding the word “expect” is no where to be found in the vows.

Please share this on your Facebook/Twitter, and post your comments below.  Almost 40,000 people have read this blog and they could use YOUR advice.

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Topics : Human Interest
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People : Amy


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Crown of Clowns for September 29, 2015

Today’s Crown of Clowns goes out to one of Washington’s wealthiest school districts. It is the Mercer Island School District, and they get this prestigious award because they briefly outlawed the GAME OF TAG for all of their students. One of the officials said, “Students are expected to keep their hands to themselves…to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.” Let me repeat that, “Students are expected to keep their hands to themselves…to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.”  

My Points:

1-Mercer Island School District: Need a reason to let kids play tag…how about the fact that one in three kids are obese. If you want to help them…remove cellphones from recess…not tag.

2-I looked it up and the average home on Mercer Island is…ready for it…just over 1 million dollars. So today’s school lunch at Mercer Elementary is probably organic asparagus, grilled chicken, and Salad with Gorgonzola. So the kids may not have the energy to run.


3-Lastly, Mercer Island:   You know what is emotionally and physically damaging?  Clogged arteries, a double chin, and cubby little thighs. Let the dang kids run

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Topics : Education
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Locations : Washington


Do you feel like you don’t get any respect? These 5 Questions can Help Change

There comes a time in our life when we need to say, “I have no one to blame.”  If you are like me that time may have come later than you hoped, because it is a very health time of awareness.  Many go through life blaming their parents, an employer, spouse(s), friends, and for some…even their kids for not being the man or woman they dreamed of being.  Sure, all of the aforementioned do influence the projections of our life, but other than our parents we made the decision to enter into the relationships.  As I will say again later in this blog post, where you and I are in the world today is a result of the decisions we have made, the relationships we have made, and more importantly…how we have chosen to project ourselves to the world around us.  We have all been told that life is not about us, but the quality of our life will be determined by how we choose to project ourselves to others.

Do you remember the great Rodney Dangerfield?  He was a comedian whose entire shtick was based on the fact he got no respect.  He was the king of self-deprecating humor.  One of his lines was, “I went to my psychiatrist and he said I was crazy; so I told him I wanted a second opinion.  He said okay, you’re ugly too.”  As a child I loved him!  And being one of the fat and under achieving kids in the class I realized I could use that same self-deprecation to get laughs.  And even as I got thinner and better looking on the outside…I felt the same on the inside.  So I continued with my Rodney Dangerfield shtick.

The problem with my decision to project myself as the guy who always screws things up, isn’t very bright, or simply gets “no respect” is that it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.  People laugh at the jokes, but there is a part of them that begins to believe what you are saying even if or when there comes a day you don’t.  There comes a time in most of our lives when we want to be taken seriously.  If we are growing in maturity and getting healthier then we begin to realize we have something to offer the world.  We quit blaming everyone else, get our head out of our ass, and then we want our parents, friends, spouse, and everyone else to know we are not who we have led them believe.  We no longer want to be the punch line or a punching bag.  We no longer want to be told what to do, who to be, or where to go.  However, in order for us to change theirperceptions we must first change our projections.  We have to change what we are projecting to the world around us or they will continue to feel the need to put us in our place.  After all, through our words and behavior we have told them we need that in our life!  We have projected a persona that says we aren’t capable!  It may be that we’ve led others to believe we aren’t capable of managing our own affairs, leading, getting a job done, or making our own decisions.  Most people don’t just assume you or I are incapable…we have lead them to believe it.

Let me ask you a few questions to help you see if this “mighty blog” can help you today.

  • Who are you in your heart?
  • Do you believe you can do more with you life if others would give you the chance?
  • Do you wonder why others don’t take you seriously or don’t see your gifts and talents?
  • Do you often times feel overlooked or disregarded?
  • Do you wonder why others think they have the right to boss you around, treat you like a child, manipulate you, or literally speak down to you?

Focus on that first question for a moment, because it is the place to start.  You first must realize that you were put on this earth with gifts and talents.  You must understand that you can achieve the things you have dreamed of achieving.  Because if you don’t believe it then you sure as hell aren’t going to convince others.  The other questions will help you determine what message you are sending to the world around you.  Simply put, you and I have to demand respect if we want it from others.  Yes small doses of self-deprecating humor and true humility are important for success, but they shouldn’t be your shtick unless you are a comedian, entertainer, or just enjoy it!

Again, if you and I want respect then we will have to demand it.  However, we don’t demand it by directly asking for it or being rude to others…we ask for it through how we project ourselves to the world.  It is time to introduce everyone to the real you so move out of your heart, into your brain, and out into the world!

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Topics : Human Interest
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People : Rodney Dangerfield


Crown of Clowns for September 28, 2015

Today’s Crown of Clown goes to Bob Brady who is a Congressional Democrat from Pennsylvania. And Bob stole from the Pope. Well sort of, after POPE FRANCIS spoke to Congress Bob noticed the Pope had left his WATER GLASS up on the podium. So Brady snuck up there . . . STOLE it . . . then took it to his office to take a sip.  His wife took one too, and so did two of his staff members.  Then he invited a few other members of Congress to dip their FINGERS into it.  Then he put the rest of it in a bottle, and says he's planning to use it to bless his grandchildren.
My Points:
  1. Bobby, you and your wife need to be careful…you could catch the human POPE-a-lova virus.
  2. Bob…I think the miracle in this story is some members of congress put their finger in the water and DIDN’T burst into flames.
  3. Speaking of which, Bob I was going to say you will probably go to hell because you stole from the Pope, but actually…you will just go to hell because you’re a congressman.  
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Locations : Pennsylvania
People : Bob Brady


Crown of Clowns for September 24, 2015

The Jewish Day of atonement is called Yom Kippur which took place yesterday, and while the heart of WGN TV was in the right place…the Chicago station totally screwed up their attempt to honor their Jewish audience. And they did this by flashing a flag and symbol on the screen while talking about Yom Kippur. The problem…they used a symbol for Nazi Germany.    

I have some Points:
  1. I don’t know who your producer is, but may I suggest your next one be a Roseberg, Holberg, or Stein.
  2. WGN, next time you need a graphic, don’t google “white supremacy”
  3. Actually, my producer is Jewish and he can’t even spell Yom Kippur.
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Topics : Religion_Belief
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